The Environment:
You will immediately walk into an open room, with a gust of fake, cold air blowing into your face, and the sounds of DJ Gofuckyourself blasting over the 158 speakers that are sprinkled throughout the arena. If you are lucky there will be 80's rock Tuesdays at your weight pit. Bally Total Fitness, Lucille Roberts, and Curves, will be noticeably clean since they are geared towards the females. Gold's Gym, World Gym, Uncle Vito's Gym, The Gym, The Weight Pit, The Pit Pit, and basically anything with Gym or Pit in the name will be geared towards guys and smell like every dude's ball sweat plus ammonia. You will be greeted by either the trainer or the hot chick.
The Hot-Chick:
All she has to do is watch people beep or swipe a membership card and verify that they indeed look like the asshole whose picture comes up on the computer in front of her. She has to have an ass like a 10 year old boy and a low cut spandex shirt. She also might be able to make smoothies.
The Personal Trainer:
Pumped the fuck up! Low voice, veins everywhere, bleached blond spiked gel soaked hair, with a perfect fade, will try to convince you he knows about nutrition, which consists of: boiled chicken, steamed broccoli, protein shakes, creatine, andro, horse tranquilizers, and brown rice... or ... The dude who resembles a stock broker / C++ Programmer, who looks like he doesn't have a spec of athletic ability, but is some how "famous" and "the man." Both will pretend to motivate and spot you, but really they are staring at the MILFs or their own ass in the mirror.
The MILF:
You know they are married to money, the least they can do is look good. All spandex, post-two- kid-semi-saggy ass, fake tits (Merry Christmas!), fake tan, possibly on the phone, only lift 3-5lb teal or pink rubber dumbbells, walk for about 2 hours on the treadmill, go "anorexic girl" hard on the elliptical, and have a love/hate relationship with all 200 mirrors in the gym. They are there to impress the Young Studs.
Young Studs:
The most broad of categories...but usually is between 18-35, has a baseball cap that is worn forwards/backwards or is taken off just before a blow out a set. Can be seen in pairs, lifting the beach muscles, one muscle group a day; won't be caught dead on an elliptical, but goes Michael Johnson on the treadmill, has more energy then a 4 month old puppy, loves maxing out in curls and the bench press while staring in the mirror, and grunting... envies the muscles of Alpha Male, but laughs at his penis size.
Alpha Male:
"Yo bro, you doin legs today?!!!" is screamed across the room, radiating off the black rubber floor. "Na bro, it's my delts, lats, glutes, clavicle, nostril, temple, forearm, right pectoral day." Their back looks like an inverted triangle and his jugular looks like a clown straw, there are veins everywhere, does 8 sets of 1 rep, with at least three 45 plates on both sides of the bar for every exercise, drinks protein mixed with creatine, bat's blood, and the hair of a baby Viking, is tanner than Roberto Kelly, asks for a spot from at least everyone in the gym, screams with every rep, wears a tank top with nipples showing, chalk on hands, hangs out in a white towel in the locker room, looks like Hercules' roided up half cousin Bret, loves the mirror and laughs at the Just Happy to Be Here Guy.
Just Happy to Be Here Guy:
Thinks by just walking through the door, he gets bigger. Talks to everyone, loves the water fountain, stretches for 30 minutes, wears a headband, lifting gloves, wears sweatpants with elastic bottom, or short nylon shorts with lined tube socks, sports the name of the gym he is working out in on his shirt, curls the bar with no weights, is balding, tries to friend the Scary Old Timer.
Scary Old Timer:
Between 50-65 years old, sporting a gold chain with his favorite Saint and Jesus, which being swallowed up by his protruding silver chest hair, no muscle definition but is stronger than an ox and could beat the shit out of a Young Stud, never smiles, showers and air dries, is nicknamed Pops, Mac, Joe Joe, or Sir, healthy Florida tan, tries to avoid, just like everyone else...The Happy Nude...
The Happy Nude:
He talks to me like we are two guys watching our kids play at the park, he loves being naked, he could fall in any category, but is usually a 40+ male, he just will not put his pants on, he'll shave naked, he'll walk to the shower naked, walk out naked, put on a collared shirt, strike up a conversation with you as the head of his dick and the bottom 1/3 of his balls peeks out like a turtle testing the morning air, if you make him laugh you get the whole show, combs his hair with just his T-Shirt on, loves to talk about sports, stocks, terrorism, and just about anything that will get another male to agree or disagree, most of the time just talks about stupid shit: "hot out isn't it?" "How good is Jeter, right?" "You see those iPhones? Wow-ee" Shut the fuck up, put some pants on, and leave me alone you creepy fuck!
Stay tuned, Donzi's Basement is back. When will the next one be? I don't know, I need a nap. From my mind to yours, Donz.
