Donzi's Disasters

The thorns in my side. The actions that make me shake my head and grind my teeth. The things that make me want to take a cold shower and stare at my shriveled bean bag in the mirror while putting on tangerine lipstick...Wait...What? Anyway, just a couple of things that I just can't figure out:

1. EZ Pass has to furnish an instruction manual, or just get their shit together. Someone has to tell the motorist from Maryland that they don't need to come to a complete stop, just to wait and read the fast food menu for the words, EZ Pass Paid, Thank You. Honestly I don't even know what comes up on the screen, that's how fast I go through an EZ Pass. Please cut the shit with the 10mph, 15 mph, 20 mph, 55mph signs. I was actually in one lane that read 10mph, and the lane to my left read 15mph the other day. Seriously? Even when it says 15mph, why do people insist to slow down to a baby crawl and see if their EZ Pass is paid? Do they think their pass is electrically connected to their motor and it will automatically shut off, if god forbid the device was misread? Or that the EZ Pass troll comes out of the booth and races after your car spitting fire balls from its ass to melt your tires? The Express lane uses the same fuckin RFID transponder technology (Wiki!) that the actual toll lane does, so why can you drive 110mph through that? Safety reasons you say? If you need to be told how fast to drive through a narrow toll, you shouldn't be on the road. Stop defeating the whole purpose of the EZ pass and please fly through that motherfucker at a solid 30-50mph (toll) and at least 95mph through the express.


2. Little girl, please take that washable paint off your windows. I don't give a shit that you are: ***Class of 2007***District V Field Hockey Champs***# 2 Oral Satisfaction North Jersey***Heyyy and Gay***Good Luck Bayside, Beat Valley***We did it!***

We don't give a shit. Hey I graduated fucking high school too. Guess what, it's not that hard. You know when you can put fake paint on your windshield? When you graduate from Harvard Law or Wharton Business School, or cure cancer, or bring back Alf on TVLand.

***Harvard Law 2007...I'm Better Than You & I Know It***

3. 800 Giuseppe Franco commercials when I am trying to watch a Yankee game on the YES Network. "Hey I'm fuckin Giuseppe Franco, and I'm the fuckin son of Skelletor and Christopher Moltisanti." YES please sponsor anything else. I wouldn't care if you through a Wiggles commercial in there every game, just lessen the ginzo beautician.

4. Rubbernecking. Fuck. I love sitting in an hours worth of traffic when I am making a midday run to the strip club, to finally get a glimpse offfff....a cop helping Mrs. Pigglesworth change a tire. If there is an arm laying on the ground, or an old school cops and robbers shootout going on, or if they are filming Debbi Does the Garden State Parkway, then it might be worth it. But anytime there are flashing blue and red lights, we are instantly put in a trance and have to look to see what is going on. We are so fucking nosey. A moment of clarity, hoping that they see something that makes them say..."Hey I could always be that guy." Helicopter medic airlifting half a body from a multi truck accident, understandable. It's almost like waiting on the long line at Six Flags because you know the ride is worth it. But a fender bender, two teenagers on their cell phone because they have a flat tire, or someone has their hazards on while taking a piss. Unacceptable. Move it along you child molester.

On a similar note: If a cop is on the other side of the highway... you don't have to slow down from 85mph to 45mph in 0.5 seconds. He's not going to jump the cement divider.

That is all. Stay tuned for some random daily thoughts and a nostalgic post. From my mind to yourz, Donz.