Ahhh, the days when Hollywood used to actually hire midgets and dress them up in hand made garments and put them through 8 hours of makeup to become a mythical being. Sure we all remember the Brat Pack and their many classics. But there are a handful of cult classics from the 80's that have one common theme: An excess of mythical characters. I think there was an over obsession for goblins, ghouls, elves, monsters, witches, and undefinable ugly beings. Unfortunately I haven't seen any of the Harry Potter's, or Chronicles of Narnia, and I have only caught half of one of the Lord of the Rings. What I do know about them, however, is that, like other modern epic films, there was a good amount of special effects and added computer generated characters. Let's throw that computer shit out the window and go back to a time where we were getting taught about fractions from Elmo and Grover, on our Apple II floppy disk programs.
The Never Ending Story, The Monster Squad, Gremlins, Willow, Poltergeist, Critters, Harry and the Hendersons, Krull, Munchies, Puppet Master, Troll, Hobgoblins, Howard the Duck, The Beast Master, Predator, Alien, Ghoulies, The Garbage Pail Kids...I mean the list of fantasy and horror films goes on. I also just want to mention Solarbabies and The Warriors as great fantasy-punk 80's classics. I really want to concentrate on two great flicks though: Legend and Labyrinth.
Legend, obviously starring Tom Cruise (Endless Love), Mia Sara (Ferris Beuller's Day Off), and Tim Curry (Home Alone 2), is filled with some of the most fucked up, scary characters I have ever seen in any movie. From the Lord of Darkness, to his henchgoblin Blix, to that creepy little boy elf, Honeythorn Gump. That movie should have been rated "?" and had a "This film might cause you to shit in your bed from nightmares" warning. I really love to watch how the almost inaudible weirdos talk out the plot of the movie that can leave you scratching your head. But it's fantasy, and it's the 80's, and it's just fantastic. It took me about 3 times to figure out what the hell was going on, because of the fast, troll accented dialog being drowned out by my washer and dryer, cleaning my shit stained sheets. But the Irish midgets and other people that played the mythical roles, were amazing. The costumes and make-up were just super.
Labyrinth, starring Jennifer Connelly (The Rocketeer) and David Bowie (Zoolander), is what happens when Jim Henson and George Lucas make sweet passionate bear love after a long hard peyote binge in an arcade. The list of weird fucking characters is endless. It's basically the same premise as Legend. A human has to save another human from some creepy psycho, and is guided/protected by good elves and trolls from the bad monsters, goblins, and other scary, making me dread closing my eyes at night, characters. Except this time, the Goblin King, David Bowie, can do sick tricks with a glass ball and lends his creepy Ziggy Stardust voice to the mix. This is a must see.
So all in all, when I think of the 80's, I don't think of Molly Ringwald (except to masturbate in my polka dot thong) I think of scary fantasy movies filled with memorable characters that scared the shit out of me. In conclusion, there is still only one movie character(s) that still make(s) me not want to go to sleep at night, and that would have to be the Wheelers from Return to Oz.
How was that movie for kids? That is one of the scariest, sweat down the crack of your ass, films in the history of cinema and should be taken off the kids section shelves. There's not even one fucking song in that film. Only, headless witches, electric shock therapy, talking pumpkins and robots, Oz looks like the slums of Baltimore, the Mombie King, and the fucking Wheelers. OK, I am going to go take a roofie to forget all this nonsense. From my mind to yours, Donz.
