Myths of Life

My computer is slow. I don't care if I get rid of all the spyware, worms, Trojan Horses, cookies, crumbs, Spartan swords, viruses, pornbugs, bed bugs, rocking chairs, tornadoes, hula girls, tap shoes, and bullshit SPAM, that is lodged in and around my hard drive. My computer will still be slow. I can add memory, a new processor, a flux capacitor, it won't matter, it will still test my patience.

What I can't figure out is this:

I click to ex out a webpage or an open document and nothing happens. My command did not work. I click again. Nothing. Three more clicks in a row and the hour glass decides to show up, like I just made the computer mad and it's deciding to scold me. Or like I just woke the computer up from a sexy dream of bytes, hertz, and scrolling Marquee's. I now get mad and I click some more. "This program is not responding" screen comes up. I click the "stop causing me pain" button / close button. A staring competition ensues with myself and the hour glass. I start clicking harder and moving the mouse all over the screen. A couple of more "No response" screens come up, piling up on eachother like a stack of baseball cards. There is no Topps Don Mattingly rookie card in this deck. Eventually the hour glass just stops moving even though I am violently moving and clicking my mouse and screaming why there is no God. My jugular looks like a large clown straw at this point. Forhead veins are popping out.

I give up, realize I am late for wherever it was I had to be, and sulk. Finally, the page, as if I a dirty window was getting cleaned with a new squeegee, just gets wiped down. Everything that was open is magically erased and I am now staring at my background. Then it happens. The computer has the balls to ask me if I want to report whatever glitch happened back to Microsoftland (Imagine Microsoftland? Separate Basement for that).

Now for years I pulled the "no fuck it, I don't want my computer to freeze again while the little man on my motherboard figures out the problem and reports it back to the mothership so they can spare some poor other asshole from what I had to go through." But I felt spiteful and I wanted to do the closest thing to giving Microsoft a piece of my mind, so I obliged and pushed the Send button. No joke, in a matter of 5 seconds, it was sent. Bing bang boom. No problems, no freezing, nothing. Just a happy little message being sent back home.

Myth of Life: How does my computer freeze from trying to close a fucking Word document, with the word DICK centered in the middle at size 14 Times New Roman, further wasting my time, but takes less than 5 seconds to send an error report?

Personally, I don't think the computer sends shit. If it did, I would never see that son of a bitch hour glass ever again. But, ya know what, he still pops up daily. It's all a farce, done for peace of mind. "We took care of it", "everything is OK", "we got your back dog." Bullshit you do.

Fuck you hour glass, fuck you Microsoft, and fuck you Spartan swords.

From my mind, to yourz.