Our house rented a bus to make the 2 hour trip from Bethlehem, PA to the Lyndhurst, NJ castle. From what I heard, the bus ride was an interesting trip in itself. Why I just “heard” about it we’ll get to in a second. Moonshine-filled flasks were ever present causing rowdy, silly behavior, and the back of the bus to eventually become a “little boys room.” It was like they were all preparing to see gladiators get ripped apart by Caesar’s tigers at the Coliseum. Somewhere in between buttloads of booze and buttloads of traffic, one of the many non-sober brothers decided to make a tin foil armor headpiece replica. The best part about it was that it was definitely premeditated and only needed alcohol to ignite the flame of genius. Because, honestly, who the fuck brings tin foil on a bus? It was eventually passed around and worn by someone throughout the show.
Now, why did I just hear about all of this? Because about an hour before the bus left, Blackcock, Redneck and I hopped into a borrowed 94’ white Honda Civic on our own little mission: Tailgating. In case you are wondering, this is not normal. This is not a Giants game; this is a make-believe tournament, with make-believe characters, in a make-believe 12th century fucking castle. It would have been more appropriate to tailgate at a goddamn pee-wee football scrimmage. However, we are scum, and this needed to happen. Sitting in the back seat I brought along my friend Blackhaus in a stainless steel flask, which Redneck and I shared. I was actually glad there was heavy traffic on route 80, because we had to pull over and take pictures of each other pissing on the highway.
BlackCock found his way to a familiar nearby liquor store, since we are from the area, and snagged a 24 of Bud Light. We pulled into an empty parking lot, poured the cans into our ice-filled cooler and started boozing hard. Redneck pulled some props from his bag of goodies as well: A fake troll beard and a plastic gothic chalice. Again, genius. I learned in 4th grade that 8 X 3 = 24, so we had some work to do, and only about 50 minutes to do it. As families, cub scouts, brownie troops, and birthday parties started arriving, they were welcomed by 3 assholes drinking loudly and blasting 80’s tunes from their car, one of whom was wearing a long fake beard and shotgunning a Bud Light. And just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, in rolls the bus, with 25 more screaming assholes hanging out the windows. We were joined by Satan and CookieMonster, who were also heavily intoxicated, for a quick beer. After pissing on our neighbor’s car we would enter the draw bridge ahead and prepare for an unforgettable journey back to the Dark Ages.
We were fully convinced that journey would only last 15 minutes by the way we were acting. It all started with the group picture. See when you enter the building, whatever group you came with, they take a cute picture of, which then could be later purchased. BlackCock, CookieMonster, Satan, and I thought it would be a good idea to take our shirts off, while Redneck kneeled in front, beard and all, holding his chalice high and proud. I mean c’mon, wasn’t rape cool back then? Surely they could take some ridiculously good-looking young chaps baring their God given gifts. The 16 year-old girl with braces taking the picture thought it was funny, so we were cool. We received our blue crowns which meant we were cheering for the Blue Knight for the tourney.
We got some more beers, messed around with some people, and then entered the glorious arena, and took our seats in the Blue section. Our group took up a good quarter of the seats; the rest was made up of kids. In fact there was definitely a birthday party going on in the row behind me. The show started and we were immediately rowdy, screaming and chanting like it was an Eagles playoff game. Someone definitely started a B-L-U-E BLUE BLUE BLUE chant. In the first 20 minutes, security had to come over a good 3 times, so we would calm down for about three minutes and sip more of our delicious brews. But it got to a point where a couple of us were standing up shouting various obscenities such as: “Fuck the King, you faggot”; “Fuck you blue knight, you fucking suck”; “I’m going to fucking throw up everywhere”; and the ever kid-friendly: “I have AIDS, I’m gay!” After the 3rd round of security intervention we thought we were toast, but the worst the Medieval Times staff did was cut us off from the beer train. Probably a good idea guys.
Some interesting events that happened after we were cut off: People started pissing in their seats under our row; kids started crying; there was a Skoal Mint dip spit war, which by the end, the main casualty had to be Satan; BlackCock, standing at the base of the Blue section, started leading everyone in more chants: “Give me a B!;” a fellow brother happened to wander off and jump into a closed gift stand and borrowed about 20 or so cups and other various goodies; we were warned by security again another handful of times, which eventually led to Satan being escorted out. But by that time the show was almost over, the Blue Knight lost in the tournament and lost our respect a long time ago, and we had just started to sober up a tad and realized where the hell we were. It was a glorious brotherhood trip, and I have told what I remember of it. I am sure there were some other events going on in different rows involving different brothers. What matters is that we were once again childish, immature, rude and most importantly fratastic. So round up your most loyal friends, crack open the shittiest of beer, strap on a fake beard and/or tin foil armor and head out to your local castle. Thee won’t beist sorry.
And for all of you looking to become a part of the show, please visit the website. An excerpt from the “careers” section:
Ever worked inside a Castle? Thought about wearing a costume to work? Or are you looking for an exciting employment opportunity in a fun and unique environment? If you answered "YES" to any of these questions, then employment with Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament, North America's favorite dinner attraction, may be "joust" what you're looking for!
EW. From my mind to yours, Donz.
