Retrojunk

I used to contribute some articles here and there to another website. Since that website hasn't produced anything significant in the past 4 months, I'm taking them back ... I'm taking them all back. I wrote this particular article a couple months ago, but after making a long overdue pit stop back to Retrojunk.com, I decided to post it on my website. I hope I don't get sued.


I have grown to greatly dislike some things in my life. Many things, actually. But something that always drove me nuts was nasty cereal commercials. You know the ones I am talking about. The old school ones where there is either kids debating and crunching on one Kix at a time, or some old guy in the background of a farm scene talking about grain, barley, & corn trying to sound all wholesome and rustic. Asshole. Or spoons diving into a full bowl of waiting Rice Krispies, people smiling saying “mmmmm”, that “part of a complete breakfast” bullshit line they’d throw in there, as they show the cereal in the midst of a breakfast orgy. Who the fuck eats a big bowl of cornflakes covered in blueberries, half a grapefruit, pancakes stacked 5 high, douched in maple syrup and butter, Belgium waffles with powdered sugar, toast, and has a big glass of OJ to wash it all down. This isn't Pleasantville, it's Fat tits America.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, an esteemed colleague of mine, Ryan, introduced me to one of the greatest websites I now visit: www.retrojunk.com. Just take a gander and you’ll understand. And seeing some of the 80’s and 90’s cereal commercials really started to grind my groin all over again. It also got me thinking: wear did all these old school honey and sugar packed cereal commercials go? I still watch some TV, but when is the last time someone caught an Apple Jacks commercial? I’ve seen Kashi, but I haven’t seen the Honey Smacks hip green frog in a while (shortened to Smacks in the 90’s). I still see the Honey Nut Cheerios bee buzzing around, but what happened to Sugar Bear’s Golden Crisps in that beautiful gold box it used to come in? Remember Cookie Crisps? I sure as hell haven’t seen that crazy criminal and his dog looking for them lately.

Yes that’s right, families used to give their kids milk and miniature cookies for a “complete breakfast” with “8 vitamins and minerals.” I think cookies were in the mineral category in the 80’s and 90’s, and I am pretty sure I remember a Vitamin Ch(ocolate). I might have to double check with Count Chocula on that one. Maybe they stopped advertising these nutritious sugar packed nightmares because every other child has ADHD now? Nahhh.

In closing, I loathe old school and some new school cereal commercials, and I am bewildered where some of our lovable characters that encouraged us to rot our teeth went. I think we can all agree, though, that it's time to give the Silly Rabbit and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun some of their own fuckin cereal already, before they go postal on those politically correct cartoon kids.

Here’s some exciting links:

Berry Berry Kix: http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/1068/ (I hate kids)

Kix: http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/218/ (kids plus old bastard in the background)

Teddy Bears Cereal http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/1707/ (wow forgot about these guys)

Corn Pops http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/1306/ (this whole thing sucks)

Mueslix? : http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/675/ (that old bastard I was talking about)

Fruity and CoCoa Pebbles http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/26/ (old school)

Honey Combs http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/150/ (jesus)


There are some other great links that must be checked out. He-Man and She-Ra talking about your naughty area is classic.

http://retrojunk.com/details_commercial/3336/

Don't Do Crack ... but Masterbating in a Movie Theater is Fine

http://retrojunk.com/details_commercial/2826/

Just Let Your Sooouuuullll Gloooooowwwww

http://retrojunk.com/details_commercial/2042/

Definitely John Micheal Higgins, from Christopher Guest and other movies

http://retrojunk.com/details_commercial/2410/

Full House definitely stole this

http://retrojunk.com/details_commercial/77/


From my mind to yours, Donz