A Letter to Chuck Norris from my sister

My sister Lauren, for some reason, was only recently introduced to the famous Chuck Norris Facts by an old friend of hers. This is her thoughts:

I can't decide if this dude's psychosis is funny or scary. Either way, here's my favorite "rule:"

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

do you think he can teach me to do this?

Dear Mr. Norris, I am a first year PhD student and I read 600 pages per week. I noticed that one of your delusional, herculean feats is to stare down books in order to attain necessary information from them. This is impressive to me. I wonder if in your spare time--when you're not brushing the teeth of a Great White shark or wrestling Osama Bin Laden into submission--you wouldn't mind teaching me this fantastic trick? And by "trick," I am of course referring to this ridiculous skill you've drummed up as a cover for the fact that you more than likely cannot read. Yeah, that's right, I said it, Chuck. But it's OK. Lots of people under the age of 3 can't read. And hey, don't forget: you're still the guy who can kill two stones with one bird. That's an enduring life skill, if I've ever heard of one. So chin up, my friend.

Yours,

L. Fanelli

This letter should be signed, sealed, and delivered. From my mind to yourz, Donz.

Why I Love the News

Something just reminded me of a news brief that I saw Tuesday that had me cracking up. It went something like this:

(Concerned) Coming up at noon, the markets continue to fall, as it looks more like a buyers’ strike than a bear rampage. The Federal Reserve is considering a new intervention in the US financial system as markets worldwide continue to plunge and the Dow continues to dip below the 10 thousand mark. (Content) In other news Beverly Hills Chihuahua continues to top the box office. We'll see you for more at noon.

We are on the brink of Armageddon, but don't worry a Disney movie about talking Chihuahuas is making millions. AMERICA... FUCK YEA!

Random Thought on Bumping and Grinding

Something that seems to always be one of those quirky things on my mind is how I will be dancing when I am older. Will I still be bumping and grinding, dirty dancing, going off and showing the dude next to me that I can have his lady just by moving my mesmerizing hips?


I like to dance. I like to dance a lot... with girls. Not so much the chicks that just bend over and shake their asses into Little Donz, but those that really know how to move. I have been unimpressed by the fact that more chicks think they can get away with just shoving their asses in my stuff.


You can look at a time line of American partner dance trends: The Waltz, The Charlseton, The Lindy, Swing, Sock Hops & Strolling, The Jitterbug, The Jive, the fucking Twist, Monkey, and Mashed Potato, Disco, just straight up 80's Carleton dancing, Patrick Swayze and Pat Benatar dirty dancing. Then there is bumping and grinding.

For the most part every generation sticks with their type of dance. I never saw my grandparents rocking to disco or grinding, nor would I want to. My parents can dance very well. They feel the beat, do the dips and spins, rock a couple 70's John Travolta moves here and there. My pops can Cha-Cha with the best of them. No grinding though.

So I can just picture myself at my grandkid's wedding, griding and rocking with my cock out. I probably won't be able to move like I do now, but you never know what modern medicine is going to be like then. I wonder if they are going to play Montel Jordan, Biggy, Bon Jovi, Snoop, JaRule, Fity Cent, & Def Leppard for us old timers? Is Regulators or Forever going to come on?

These are just the useless things I think about to pass the day. It's sad, I know. Love is a Battlefield.

From my mind to yourz, Donz.

GChat = GCreepy

Is it me or does the Google Chat function make you feel awkward at times? I didn't do too hot on the analogies section of the SAT's, but I compare the Gchat application to being like the Men's Room at Port Authority. I feel like I am on the end of a long row of urinals, taking a long piss, making eye contact with everyone that Gmail chooses to put for me on Gchat. I honestly don't chat a lot, but for some reason I sometimes feel obligated to because I feel like everyone that is available (green) is staring at me not saying anything. I equate those that are busy (orange) as taking up the stalls in the bathroom and those that are in "do not disturb mode" (red) just washed their hands and left...but they'll be back.

I don't know, it gets awkward. I only talk to like 2 or 3 people on my list. Everyone else is from some walk of my life, however there are at least 3 or 4 people that I have never seen, nor have ever spoken to.

Does Gmail want me to make new friends with random individuals that I have had the honor of being in an email chain with? Gmail you sly devil you. I guess this algorithm is the baby of Google's future Matchmaker application. Random thought: I am sure there will be a time where you can put a G in front of anything because it looks like Google will make their own version of every entity on this earth. Gtrees, Gpocketbooks, Goboes, GreincarnatedChristopherColumbus (so he can tell us what really went down), Gsoup.

Anyway, I don't mind chatting with anyone. And I could easily sign out of chat, but what's the fun of that? It's like having a serious staring contest. And for those who know me know that Donz does not lose starring contests (except to Anoop Raman in 10th grade... after 35 minutes... on a bus trip to Boston).

Oh yea I got fired last week.

From my mind to yourz, Donz.

Myths of Life

My computer is slow. I don't care if I get rid of all the spyware, worms, Trojan Horses, cookies, crumbs, Spartan swords, viruses, pornbugs, bed bugs, rocking chairs, tornadoes, hula girls, tap shoes, and bullshit SPAM, that is lodged in and around my hard drive. My computer will still be slow. I can add memory, a new processor, a flux capacitor, it won't matter, it will still test my patience.

What I can't figure out is this:

I click to ex out a webpage or an open document and nothing happens. My command did not work. I click again. Nothing. Three more clicks in a row and the hour glass decides to show up, like I just made the computer mad and it's deciding to scold me. Or like I just woke the computer up from a sexy dream of bytes, hertz, and scrolling Marquee's. I now get mad and I click some more. "This program is not responding" screen comes up. I click the "stop causing me pain" button / close button. A staring competition ensues with myself and the hour glass. I start clicking harder and moving the mouse all over the screen. A couple of more "No response" screens come up, piling up on eachother like a stack of baseball cards. There is no Topps Don Mattingly rookie card in this deck. Eventually the hour glass just stops moving even though I am violently moving and clicking my mouse and screaming why there is no God. My jugular looks like a large clown straw at this point. Forhead veins are popping out.

I give up, realize I am late for wherever it was I had to be, and sulk. Finally, the page, as if I a dirty window was getting cleaned with a new squeegee, just gets wiped down. Everything that was open is magically erased and I am now staring at my background. Then it happens. The computer has the balls to ask me if I want to report whatever glitch happened back to Microsoftland (Imagine Microsoftland? Separate Basement for that).

Now for years I pulled the "no fuck it, I don't want my computer to freeze again while the little man on my motherboard figures out the problem and reports it back to the mothership so they can spare some poor other asshole from what I had to go through." But I felt spiteful and I wanted to do the closest thing to giving Microsoft a piece of my mind, so I obliged and pushed the Send button. No joke, in a matter of 5 seconds, it was sent. Bing bang boom. No problems, no freezing, nothing. Just a happy little message being sent back home.

Myth of Life: How does my computer freeze from trying to close a fucking Word document, with the word DICK centered in the middle at size 14 Times New Roman, further wasting my time, but takes less than 5 seconds to send an error report?

Personally, I don't think the computer sends shit. If it did, I would never see that son of a bitch hour glass ever again. But, ya know what, he still pops up daily. It's all a farce, done for peace of mind. "We took care of it", "everything is OK", "we got your back dog." Bullshit you do.

Fuck you hour glass, fuck you Microsoft, and fuck you Spartan swords.

From my mind, to yourz.

Couldn't Pass this Up

I haven't posted since December? Shit. Oh well. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to bring to light something that I read in one of my gay muscle magazines that grace the bathroom of my office. About half of one of these magazines is filled with advertisements for some of the most lab driven supplements and masked steroids out on the market. Just looking at one of these advertisements for N.O. Plasmacore, Cytolean or Anabolic OD, makes me feel like I am getting stronger. Just one glance and I can feel my veins peeking through my furry forearms. I feel myself getting angry and I mysteriously get the urge to throw my couch out the window.



One of these "supplements" is called Creakic. It's a creatine pill? I think they brew it from a Mark McGuire lab child. Some of the stupidity written on the canister it comes in is just fascinating. Here are the 4 bullet points written on the bottle:

• Most Powerful Creatine Pill IN EXISTENCE


• World's First & Only MUSCLE RECEPTOR HYPERACTIVATOR


• Induces Rapid Gains in Size & Strength WITH NANOMOLECULAR TECHNOLOGY


• IMMEDIATELY RECHARGES CREATINE RECEPTORS BY DEACTIVATING REACTIVE OXYGEN SPECIES

I can just see your average steakhead looking at this advertisement and immediately eating one of the small orphans he has locked up in his basement. Protein! Deactivating Reactive Oxygen Species? Big Scientific words + Joey Gabanzo from Nutley, NJ getting out of his tanning bed = trouble. Take a look at the "science" behind this product here:

http://www.muscletech.com/products/creakic/science.shtml

I can feel my nuts getting smaller already. One more advertisement I must bring to the forefront here is TESTAGEN. Who's the spokesman? Jose Canseco! Main slogan: WHAT'S CANSECO ON NOW? What's Canseco on now? How about What The Fuck? TESTAGEN is developed by GAT: German American Technologies. AKA, the same crazy Nazi bastards that fucked with the German Olympic team and now hang out at Merck. Take a look at the link below. Under the "Coming Soon" label it reads like this word for word in the magazine (a bio on Canseco):

Introduced weight lifting to baseball

in his quest to become the best athlete he had ever seen, he became expert at using performance supplementation.

40/40: First to steal 40 bases and hit 40 homers in a single season. Seven Teams. 462 homers.

Rookie of the Year. American League MVP.

Controversy. Everywhere.

The second line doesn't even make sense and they state Seven Teams in the third bullet point like it is an accomplishment. Again, I wrote it as is with no edits. What a joke. This is one time that I really don't need much material here. This is so mind boggling it is hilarious to me. Please take a look at this website. You won't be sorry. I'm going to go ice my ass.

http://www.germanamericantechnologies.com/testagen_2008.html

From my mind to yourz, Donz.

Editors note (Me): When spell checking the following words were highlighted: Plasmacore, Cytolean, Creakic, Creatine, Hyperactivator, Nanomolecular, Nutley, Canseco, Gabanzo, TESTAGEN, GAT, and yourz. Any connections?