A Letter to Chuck Norris from my sister

My sister Lauren, for some reason, was only recently introduced to the famous Chuck Norris Facts by an old friend of hers. This is her thoughts:

I can't decide if this dude's psychosis is funny or scary. Either way, here's my favorite "rule:"

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

do you think he can teach me to do this?

Dear Mr. Norris, I am a first year PhD student and I read 600 pages per week. I noticed that one of your delusional, herculean feats is to stare down books in order to attain necessary information from them. This is impressive to me. I wonder if in your spare time--when you're not brushing the teeth of a Great White shark or wrestling Osama Bin Laden into submission--you wouldn't mind teaching me this fantastic trick? And by "trick," I am of course referring to this ridiculous skill you've drummed up as a cover for the fact that you more than likely cannot read. Yeah, that's right, I said it, Chuck. But it's OK. Lots of people under the age of 3 can't read. And hey, don't forget: you're still the guy who can kill two stones with one bird. That's an enduring life skill, if I've ever heard of one. So chin up, my friend.

Yours,

L. Fanelli

This letter should be signed, sealed, and delivered. From my mind to yourz, Donz.