Donz is a Fantasy Matchmaker III

We're going back to the 80's. These two bad asses also had a good side to them as well. I present to you Powercouple #3:

Jo from the Facts of Life and Officer Tom Hanson Jr. from 21 Jump Street














Joanna Marie Polniaczek, played by Nancy McKeon, was the resident bad ass from the Bronx that corrupted the girls of Eastland Academy immediately, but turned out to be A-OK. Officer Tom Hanson Jr., played by Johhny Depp, was "bad cop" that did his civic duty, posing as a high school student, and getting to the bottom of serious issues. I could see these two riding to prom together on a motorcycle.

They both look like they would be a serious powercouple even today.














FMMTY, Donz.

Donz is a Fantasy Matchmaker II

Sorry to stay with Power Rangers in this one, but this was meant to be. Power Couple #2 and Gay Power Couple #1:

Tony the Black Drummer from California Dreams and Zack the Black Power Ranger

Both were type cast, both had rhythm, and both were borderline surf dudes with attitudes. Tony was played by William James Jones and Zack was played by Walter Emanuel Jones. Were they related like Thomas and Julius Jones? Nope. Were they destined to be together? Yep.

Side Note: Saban Entertainment could have picked literally ANY color for the lone African-American main character. They chose black. Same goes for the Asian Yellow Power Ranger. Well done.

FMMTY, Donz.

Donz the Fantasy Matchmaker

OK, I am back from trip around the world, but unfortunately my computer crashed and I lost all of my pictures and blogs. Bummer. Moving on, I thought it would be a horrible idea to try and do a no holds barred matchmaking series. So here it is. No crazy rules other than that there has to be a connection made between fictional characters/people on TV or film, but they cannot be from the same show or series. Here is my first Fantasy Supercouple:

Andrea from 90210 and Billy the Blue Power Ranger













Both are intellectual, quirky, and socially awkward and both were wrongly cast as teenagers at the age of 33. I am sure they would have a shit load to talk about. Maybe Andrea will pop Billy's cherry and have another "one and done" baby episodes again? Or maybe Billy will Sanji Snap Andreas neck accidently while trying to dance with her and then build an Andrea robot that couldn't get pregnant? It could happen.

Stay tuned for more. From my mind to yourz, Donz.

A Letter to Chuck Norris from my sister

My sister Lauren, for some reason, was only recently introduced to the famous Chuck Norris Facts by an old friend of hers. This is her thoughts:

I can't decide if this dude's psychosis is funny or scary. Either way, here's my favorite "rule:"

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

do you think he can teach me to do this?

Dear Mr. Norris, I am a first year PhD student and I read 600 pages per week. I noticed that one of your delusional, herculean feats is to stare down books in order to attain necessary information from them. This is impressive to me. I wonder if in your spare time--when you're not brushing the teeth of a Great White shark or wrestling Osama Bin Laden into submission--you wouldn't mind teaching me this fantastic trick? And by "trick," I am of course referring to this ridiculous skill you've drummed up as a cover for the fact that you more than likely cannot read. Yeah, that's right, I said it, Chuck. But it's OK. Lots of people under the age of 3 can't read. And hey, don't forget: you're still the guy who can kill two stones with one bird. That's an enduring life skill, if I've ever heard of one. So chin up, my friend.

Yours,

L. Fanelli

This letter should be signed, sealed, and delivered. From my mind to yourz, Donz.

Why I Love the News

Something just reminded me of a news brief that I saw Tuesday that had me cracking up. It went something like this:

(Concerned) Coming up at noon, the markets continue to fall, as it looks more like a buyers’ strike than a bear rampage. The Federal Reserve is considering a new intervention in the US financial system as markets worldwide continue to plunge and the Dow continues to dip below the 10 thousand mark. (Content) In other news Beverly Hills Chihuahua continues to top the box office. We'll see you for more at noon.

We are on the brink of Armageddon, but don't worry a Disney movie about talking Chihuahuas is making millions. AMERICA... FUCK YEA!

Random Thought on Bumping and Grinding

Something that seems to always be one of those quirky things on my mind is how I will be dancing when I am older. Will I still be bumping and grinding, dirty dancing, going off and showing the dude next to me that I can have his lady just by moving my mesmerizing hips?


I like to dance. I like to dance a lot... with girls. Not so much the chicks that just bend over and shake their asses into Little Donz, but those that really know how to move. I have been unimpressed by the fact that more chicks think they can get away with just shoving their asses in my stuff.


You can look at a time line of American partner dance trends: The Waltz, The Charlseton, The Lindy, Swing, Sock Hops & Strolling, The Jitterbug, The Jive, the fucking Twist, Monkey, and Mashed Potato, Disco, just straight up 80's Carleton dancing, Patrick Swayze and Pat Benatar dirty dancing. Then there is bumping and grinding.

For the most part every generation sticks with their type of dance. I never saw my grandparents rocking to disco or grinding, nor would I want to. My parents can dance very well. They feel the beat, do the dips and spins, rock a couple 70's John Travolta moves here and there. My pops can Cha-Cha with the best of them. No grinding though.

So I can just picture myself at my grandkid's wedding, griding and rocking with my cock out. I probably won't be able to move like I do now, but you never know what modern medicine is going to be like then. I wonder if they are going to play Montel Jordan, Biggy, Bon Jovi, Snoop, JaRule, Fity Cent, & Def Leppard for us old timers? Is Regulators or Forever going to come on?

These are just the useless things I think about to pass the day. It's sad, I know. Love is a Battlefield.

From my mind to yourz, Donz.

GChat = GCreepy

Is it me or does the Google Chat function make you feel awkward at times? I didn't do too hot on the analogies section of the SAT's, but I compare the Gchat application to being like the Men's Room at Port Authority. I feel like I am on the end of a long row of urinals, taking a long piss, making eye contact with everyone that Gmail chooses to put for me on Gchat. I honestly don't chat a lot, but for some reason I sometimes feel obligated to because I feel like everyone that is available (green) is staring at me not saying anything. I equate those that are busy (orange) as taking up the stalls in the bathroom and those that are in "do not disturb mode" (red) just washed their hands and left...but they'll be back.

I don't know, it gets awkward. I only talk to like 2 or 3 people on my list. Everyone else is from some walk of my life, however there are at least 3 or 4 people that I have never seen, nor have ever spoken to.

Does Gmail want me to make new friends with random individuals that I have had the honor of being in an email chain with? Gmail you sly devil you. I guess this algorithm is the baby of Google's future Matchmaker application. Random thought: I am sure there will be a time where you can put a G in front of anything because it looks like Google will make their own version of every entity on this earth. Gtrees, Gpocketbooks, Goboes, GreincarnatedChristopherColumbus (so he can tell us what really went down), Gsoup.

Anyway, I don't mind chatting with anyone. And I could easily sign out of chat, but what's the fun of that? It's like having a serious staring contest. And for those who know me know that Donz does not lose starring contests (except to Anoop Raman in 10th grade... after 35 minutes... on a bus trip to Boston).

Oh yea I got fired last week.

From my mind to yourz, Donz.

Myths of Life

My computer is slow. I don't care if I get rid of all the spyware, worms, Trojan Horses, cookies, crumbs, Spartan swords, viruses, pornbugs, bed bugs, rocking chairs, tornadoes, hula girls, tap shoes, and bullshit SPAM, that is lodged in and around my hard drive. My computer will still be slow. I can add memory, a new processor, a flux capacitor, it won't matter, it will still test my patience.

What I can't figure out is this:

I click to ex out a webpage or an open document and nothing happens. My command did not work. I click again. Nothing. Three more clicks in a row and the hour glass decides to show up, like I just made the computer mad and it's deciding to scold me. Or like I just woke the computer up from a sexy dream of bytes, hertz, and scrolling Marquee's. I now get mad and I click some more. "This program is not responding" screen comes up. I click the "stop causing me pain" button / close button. A staring competition ensues with myself and the hour glass. I start clicking harder and moving the mouse all over the screen. A couple of more "No response" screens come up, piling up on eachother like a stack of baseball cards. There is no Topps Don Mattingly rookie card in this deck. Eventually the hour glass just stops moving even though I am violently moving and clicking my mouse and screaming why there is no God. My jugular looks like a large clown straw at this point. Forhead veins are popping out.

I give up, realize I am late for wherever it was I had to be, and sulk. Finally, the page, as if I a dirty window was getting cleaned with a new squeegee, just gets wiped down. Everything that was open is magically erased and I am now staring at my background. Then it happens. The computer has the balls to ask me if I want to report whatever glitch happened back to Microsoftland (Imagine Microsoftland? Separate Basement for that).

Now for years I pulled the "no fuck it, I don't want my computer to freeze again while the little man on my motherboard figures out the problem and reports it back to the mothership so they can spare some poor other asshole from what I had to go through." But I felt spiteful and I wanted to do the closest thing to giving Microsoft a piece of my mind, so I obliged and pushed the Send button. No joke, in a matter of 5 seconds, it was sent. Bing bang boom. No problems, no freezing, nothing. Just a happy little message being sent back home.

Myth of Life: How does my computer freeze from trying to close a fucking Word document, with the word DICK centered in the middle at size 14 Times New Roman, further wasting my time, but takes less than 5 seconds to send an error report?

Personally, I don't think the computer sends shit. If it did, I would never see that son of a bitch hour glass ever again. But, ya know what, he still pops up daily. It's all a farce, done for peace of mind. "We took care of it", "everything is OK", "we got your back dog." Bullshit you do.

Fuck you hour glass, fuck you Microsoft, and fuck you Spartan swords.

From my mind, to yourz.

Couldn't Pass this Up

I haven't posted since December? Shit. Oh well. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to bring to light something that I read in one of my gay muscle magazines that grace the bathroom of my office. About half of one of these magazines is filled with advertisements for some of the most lab driven supplements and masked steroids out on the market. Just looking at one of these advertisements for N.O. Plasmacore, Cytolean or Anabolic OD, makes me feel like I am getting stronger. Just one glance and I can feel my veins peeking through my furry forearms. I feel myself getting angry and I mysteriously get the urge to throw my couch out the window.



One of these "supplements" is called Creakic. It's a creatine pill? I think they brew it from a Mark McGuire lab child. Some of the stupidity written on the canister it comes in is just fascinating. Here are the 4 bullet points written on the bottle:

• Most Powerful Creatine Pill IN EXISTENCE


• World's First & Only MUSCLE RECEPTOR HYPERACTIVATOR


• Induces Rapid Gains in Size & Strength WITH NANOMOLECULAR TECHNOLOGY


• IMMEDIATELY RECHARGES CREATINE RECEPTORS BY DEACTIVATING REACTIVE OXYGEN SPECIES

I can just see your average steakhead looking at this advertisement and immediately eating one of the small orphans he has locked up in his basement. Protein! Deactivating Reactive Oxygen Species? Big Scientific words + Joey Gabanzo from Nutley, NJ getting out of his tanning bed = trouble. Take a look at the "science" behind this product here:

http://www.muscletech.com/products/creakic/science.shtml

I can feel my nuts getting smaller already. One more advertisement I must bring to the forefront here is TESTAGEN. Who's the spokesman? Jose Canseco! Main slogan: WHAT'S CANSECO ON NOW? What's Canseco on now? How about What The Fuck? TESTAGEN is developed by GAT: German American Technologies. AKA, the same crazy Nazi bastards that fucked with the German Olympic team and now hang out at Merck. Take a look at the link below. Under the "Coming Soon" label it reads like this word for word in the magazine (a bio on Canseco):

Introduced weight lifting to baseball

in his quest to become the best athlete he had ever seen, he became expert at using performance supplementation.

40/40: First to steal 40 bases and hit 40 homers in a single season. Seven Teams. 462 homers.

Rookie of the Year. American League MVP.

Controversy. Everywhere.

The second line doesn't even make sense and they state Seven Teams in the third bullet point like it is an accomplishment. Again, I wrote it as is with no edits. What a joke. This is one time that I really don't need much material here. This is so mind boggling it is hilarious to me. Please take a look at this website. You won't be sorry. I'm going to go ice my ass.

http://www.germanamericantechnologies.com/testagen_2008.html

From my mind to yourz, Donz.

Editors note (Me): When spell checking the following words were highlighted: Plasmacore, Cytolean, Creakic, Creatine, Hyperactivator, Nanomolecular, Nutley, Canseco, Gabanzo, TESTAGEN, GAT, and yourz. Any connections?

80's Loves Goblins

I get that same feeling watching 80's films and cartoons, as I do looking at 80's toys, appliances and other consumer goods. It just seemed like things were made a little stronger back then. It seems like a lot of hand crafted, intricate detailed, things back then have been made more streamlined and cost efficient. And I as I wipe the tears away from my eyes, I remember the slew of 80's movies that gave me nightmares, filled with freakish fantasy characheters, even if the movies were rated G. Some of these movies have become cult classics.

Ahhh, the days when Hollywood used to actually hire midgets and dress them up in hand made garments and put them through 8 hours of makeup to become a mythical being. Sure we all remember the Brat Pack and their many classics. But there are a handful of cult classics from the 80's that have one common theme: An excess of mythical characters. I think there was an over obsession for goblins, ghouls, elves, monsters, witches, and undefinable ugly beings. Unfortunately I haven't seen any of the Harry Potter's, or Chronicles of Narnia, and I have only caught half of one of the Lord of the Rings. What I do know about them, however, is that, like other modern epic films, there was a good amount of special effects and added computer generated characters. Let's throw that computer shit out the window and go back to a time where we were getting taught about fractions from Elmo and Grover, on our Apple II floppy disk programs.

The Never Ending Story, The Monster Squad, Gremlins, Willow, Poltergeist, Critters, Harry and the Hendersons, Krull, Munchies, Puppet Master, Troll, Hobgoblins, Howard the Duck, The Beast Master, Predator, Alien, Ghoulies, The Garbage Pail Kids...I mean the list of fantasy and horror films goes on. I also just want to mention Solarbabies and The Warriors as great fantasy-punk 80's classics. I really want to concentrate on two great flicks though: Legend and Labyrinth.

Legend, obviously starring Tom Cruise (Endless Love), Mia Sara (Ferris Beuller's Day Off), and Tim Curry (Home Alone 2), is filled with some of the most fucked up, scary characters I have ever seen in any movie. From the Lord of Darkness, to his henchgoblin Blix, to that creepy little boy elf, Honeythorn Gump. That movie should have been rated "?" and had a "This film might cause you to shit in your bed from nightmares" warning. I really love to watch how the almost inaudible weirdos talk out the plot of the movie that can leave you scratching your head. But it's fantasy, and it's the 80's, and it's just fantastic. It took me about 3 times to figure out what the hell was going on, because of the fast, troll accented dialog being drowned out by my washer and dryer, cleaning my shit stained sheets. But the Irish midgets and other people that played the mythical roles, were amazing. The costumes and make-up were just super.

Labyrinth, starring Jennifer Connelly (The Rocketeer) and David Bowie (Zoolander), is what happens when Jim Henson and George Lucas make sweet passionate bear love after a long hard peyote binge in an arcade. The list of weird fucking characters is endless. It's basically the same premise as Legend. A human has to save another human from some creepy psycho, and is guided/protected by good elves and trolls from the bad monsters, goblins, and other scary, making me dread closing my eyes at night, characters. Except this time, the Goblin King, David Bowie, can do sick tricks with a glass ball and lends his creepy Ziggy Stardust voice to the mix. This is a must see.

So all in all, when I think of the 80's, I don't think of Molly Ringwald (except to masturbate in my polka dot thong) I think of scary fantasy movies filled with memorable characters that scared the shit out of me. In conclusion, there is still only one movie character(s) that still make(s) me not want to go to sleep at night, and that would have to be the Wheelers from Return to Oz.

How was that movie for kids? That is one of the scariest, sweat down the crack of your ass, films in the history of cinema and should be taken off the kids section shelves. There's not even one fucking song in that film. Only, headless witches, electric shock therapy, talking pumpkins and robots, Oz looks like the slums of Baltimore, the Mombie King, and the fucking Wheelers. OK, I am going to go take a roofie to forget all this nonsense. From my mind to yours, Donz.

Away Message of the Day!

I am so happy right now! Why? Because if you haven't heard yet, The Munchkins from the classic movie, The Wizard of Oz, have gotten their own star on the Walk of Fame in Hollywood! Let me say that again, all Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz got one star. Does anyone find this funny as hell? I am looking way too into this but I find the concept of generalizing all "munchkins", a.k.a. dolled up midgets, fucking great. I am picturing the hire-ups in Hollywood contemplating this :

"Fine, ya know what, fuck 'em. If you smush enough of them together they
kind of make a person, right? We'll give 'em all one star. Just one for those little bastards. None of those things are still alive right? ...What? Seven are?!!! Fuck it, that might equal a 6'4" 230lb Hollywood star, right? We'll give it to them on one condition: They must wear their old costumes, hold big old lolly pops, and do a little tap dance for us! Diane, call 'em up!"

Please enjoy the link below. Just click on the video: Munchkins get a star.

http://abcnews.go.com/search?searchtext=munchkins&type

Donzi Answers Clever Question #3

Q: Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Donzi Answer: The same person who used to give you a swirly in High School, made you drink your own piss in college, and left you with weekend work in the corporate world.

Away Message of the Day

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Donzi Answer - In case they shit their pants, bail out, lose control of their planes and have to emergency land in the fields of Hawaii. They can then blend in with the local folk, eventually become part of the Japanese-American Internment and go on to live happily ever after making better electronics than us.

Donzi Answers Clever Question #1

Q: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?



Donzi Answer: He shaves with with lion teeth to impress the female wolves. It's either that or Disney doesn't like people with beards. Like shouldn't have Aladdin had a beard? Think about it.

Away Message of the Day

Don't cheat the system. Fuck the system.

Away Message of the Day

(Tupac + A Lollypop Kid + Bollywood + The Middle East + Passion) = (A pick-me-up for any horrible day)^(One of the best videos I have ever seen)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssMdjvcQe38

Away Message of the Day

Motivational Message #253:

You can run from an angry mob of animals, but you can't hide


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCrDgm_H678

Fu Man Chu Friday

It's Fu Man Chu Friday!!!!

Proverbs of the Day

"You can lead the horse to the trough...but you can't pay a midget to wax your car"

-joseph stalin

"A fool sees not the same tree as a blind man does"

-tom sawyer

"A man does not seek his luck, luck seeks those who break into orphanages and steal all the Campbell's Soup and A1 Sauce"

-new indonesian proverb

"A penny for your...shit a penny won't buy you dick!"

-patty mayonnaise

"A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush gets hidden with Grandma in the closet"

-old irish spell

"An uncle who makes advances on the waitress, only to be strangled to death in the men's room, should not have ordered the unlimited salad and bread sticks. Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family."

-the associated press

Away Message of the Day

Margaret Thatcher: "Create a logarithm that maximises the length of a bent B# note on the E string of a Sitar and can also forecast the winner of the Chinese Math Olympia competition "

Thomas Edison: "Listen bitch, I was just hired to clean toilets, but I'd be happy to give you a referral"

George Muresan: "I'll do it!"