I found myself sitting in the middle of 30,000 people listening to someone try to motivate me to be a better salesman, an entrepreneur, a go getter, how to shoot for the top, & be #1. I looked around and watched everyone nodding & smiling, high-fiving eachother in their heads, "getting it," ready to attack life's problems. I looked around and felt God smack me in the face. Teenage Jesus told me to wake up.
Have you ever been in the presence of a motivational speaker. Well, a lot of what they have to say has good meaning, and you know sometimes we need a little pep talk in our lives. I always thought that if you needed motivation to do your job, then you're in the wrong career. Sure there are days we just don't feel like working. I haven't worked for 15 years; shit, I'm still kickin. That's what pick-me-ups are for. But in the last 6 months, in one way or another, I have found myself being in the audience of a motivational speaker at least 4 times. I have even been in the presence of the great Zig Ziglar, the most famous motivational speaker of them all. A brilliant orator, with a lot of good inspiring messages to share with us. He looks like and has the energy of the Juiceman and talks like Ted Turner and President Bush on speed. He sounds like the offspring of an oil tycoon and an evangelist. I am sure it is much better to just read what Zig has to say, unless you love to escape into his Southern Gangbang of Words, which is just treated like a New Years resolution anyway. I had a "Garden State" moment where I was in slow motion watching all these people around me, except I wasn't tripping on ether or ecstasy. I wondered what the blow I was doing there, in the presence of all these lost souls and a cult leader. Tens of thousands cramped in an arena, flipping through their help notebooks, listening to this guy from Texas tell them how to "be the best." It was sad. I was sad.
Fuck motivational speakers. Fuck people making money by selling me "A Road Map to Financial Success," "10 Steps to Be a Better Man," "20,501 Ways to Live Stress Free and Be Mentally Healthy, Because You're a Fat Slob with No Goals and Need to Get Up Off Your Ass, Put Down the Chicken Wings, and Get a Job...a Real Job." I also was addicted to some self help books for a while. Fuck those too. Now, I only limit myself to reading autobiographies of successful people, anything the Dali Lama writes, anything by George Carlin, the Book of Revelations, and any Kama Sutra/sex tip book. Believe me, I need it. I haven't been with a women since 1987, her name was Georgina, and she had a deep voice.
You need a real pep talk? Here it is, a free Pick-Me-Up from Donzi:
1.) You're life isn't as bad as someone else is, like me. There's definitely a kid in Africa, whose parents both died an ugly death from AIDS, and is starving right now, with flies and shit on his face. You could sound like Gilbert Godfrey. You could be Gilbert Godfrey. Imagine O.J.'s kids? What about Lindsey Lohan's vagina? Wait, umm? You could be married to a paperboy. Shit people, look around, there's definitely someone worse off.
2.) Kill something. Anything. An ant, a bird, your aunt, whatever. If you feel even a little sorry that you just killed a living thing, you're going to be OK. You have some compassion in you. That's normal and you will eventually be rewarded. Plus, they're dead and you aren't. You're the lucky one. So get the fuck out there and kill something.
3.) Unless you are doing something that you love, stop. Are you afraid? You're a bitch. Suck it up, pull out your wedgie, fuck everyone else, and go get what you want. It doesn't pay well, so what. Steal if you must. You're dying slowly, second by second, so try and live while you can, pussy.
4.) This is crucial. In my eyes, you must do these steps to truly be a happy person.
-First, sing in the shower as loud as you can. This is the best you'll ever sound.
-Sing as loud as you can, when you are stuck in traffic. Don't worry if people look at you weird, they're weird for not singing.
-High-five strangers on the street
-People Watch
-Cross-Dress at least once and sing a Supremes (male) or Temptations (female) song in front of the mirror
-Fart in an elevator. Admit it.
-Shit your pants at a supermarket.
-Wear a Halloween costume on Easter, Passover, or Ramadan.
-Talk to yourself in public. Even better, slap yourself once.
-Lots of sex, with a lot of different people, in a lot of different positions.
-And last but not least, dial a random number & try to have a 5 minute conversation with a stranger. Challenge yourself and stick to only starting each sentence with "You."
So in conclusion, my life sucks worse than yours, but I don't need some coked up wacko showing me the yellow-brick road to happiness. So, get out there, get wacky, and get what you want. Want internal bliss? Well it's going to happen either tomorrow or never. Cheer up Charlie, and deal with it. I'm going to go take a nap, and maybe wake up tomorrow.
From my mind to yours, Donz.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
TRUMP
I love Donald Trump. I really don't care about his personal life, I mainly respect him for his real estate and branding skills. Although he does bag some hot broads. Some of the greatest comedy in life happens to be when people are not trying to be funny at all. For example, seeing someone fall down some stairs with hot coffee or a baby in their hands. Or trip in the middle of the library with a stack of papers, with hairy erect penises drawn on them, as I do. What Donald Trump said about Rosie O'Donnell, was not only true, but down right hilarious. He wasn't trying to be funny; it was just delivered it in such a no nonsense way, that I was laughing quite hard. I receive emails from one of Donald's companies, Trump University. Within it, he writes a weekly blog or two and people get to comment. Obviously he talked about the Rosie issue and did not hold back. It was by far the most comments I've ever seen for one of his blogs. Some were like: "yea you tell that bitch to shut her trap" and "Mr. Trump you are my hero." However there were a good amount of people that took offense to his fat comments, as if he singled out the names of all the fat pigs in the world. And the fatties said that they were "not going to watch his new season of the Apprentice!" So take that Trump! YEA! So many nobodies trying to tell a billionaire how to run his life. A lot of them were just so great to me, that it inspired me to write my first comment on Trump's blog. I nicknamed myself Warren, because commenting on blogs is one of the only fair game times to change the name your parents bestowed upon you. The others are picking up women, or pleading insanity in court. Here is my entry:
Comment: Yet another excuse for fat people all over the country to take offense and blame their weight on somebody else. The truth is Rosie opened her mouth first. She is a monkey on that show; they feed her and she spits out garbage. The man has every right to defend himself, and he can go as far as he wants, period. To all the fat people out there, stop watching re-runs of their arguments on TV, put down your 3rd helping of Lean Cuisine, and get some exercise. He directed his truthful fat comments at her, not at you. If you take offense to that, kill two birds with one stone: walk it off. You have every right to ban The Apprentice, but it won't stop Mr. Trump from building luxury condos on your property in the near future. Donald, cheers to you sir. Way to stand up for yourself. It's good to see that America, the obese, malnourished, materialistic, severely in debt society that we are, hasn't lost it's total edge.
Don't worry Trump, I've got your back. Now I can go back and dream about going to a Lakers game with you, Jack, and Regis.
From my mind to yours, Donz.
Comment: Yet another excuse for fat people all over the country to take offense and blame their weight on somebody else. The truth is Rosie opened her mouth first. She is a monkey on that show; they feed her and she spits out garbage. The man has every right to defend himself, and he can go as far as he wants, period. To all the fat people out there, stop watching re-runs of their arguments on TV, put down your 3rd helping of Lean Cuisine, and get some exercise. He directed his truthful fat comments at her, not at you. If you take offense to that, kill two birds with one stone: walk it off. You have every right to ban The Apprentice, but it won't stop Mr. Trump from building luxury condos on your property in the near future. Donald, cheers to you sir. Way to stand up for yourself. It's good to see that America, the obese, malnourished, materialistic, severely in debt society that we are, hasn't lost it's total edge.
Don't worry Trump, I've got your back. Now I can go back and dream about going to a Lakers game with you, Jack, and Regis.
From my mind to yours, Donz.
Monday, January 15, 2007
An Inconvenient Truth
Now I have to put some humor aside for a second. I never in my life thought I would be saying this, but, it should be everybodies duty to go see the Al Gore flick, An Inconvenient Truth. I know, Al Gore... in a movie. It would probably be cooler to just watch Mickey Rooney eat tapioca pudding, right? Wrong. I have to tell you, Al Gore does a great job relaying a straight forward, no bullshit, factual message on Global Warming. The film was very informative, very educational, and scared the crap out of me. This was not for political gain by any means. Mr Gore has been attacking this issue ever since he left college and got into Congress. Unfortunately it has fallen on deaf ears. Well, with the 10 highest temperatures ever recorded in the U.S., since the Civil War, falling in these last 12 years, are you ready to listen?
Believe me, I am no hippie tree hugger by any means. I don't have a "nature protector" name like Wind Whisperer, Grasshopper, or Moonleaf. No, no hemp or save the whales posters; never donated to Sally Struthers or tied myself to a redwood. Here's my logic: I love women. I like to have sex with women. Women think polar bears are cute. Because of Global Warming, the Polar Bear population should be extinct in the next 10 years if we don't get our act together. Dead polar bears = dead female libido. No sex for Donz. Also, no planet, no sex for anyone. No planet, no laughter. However, Global Warming would stop all wars and terrorism.
All kidding aside, I feel it is my duty as a human, even if I do have some toys in the attic, to spread the message of this movie. I would also encourage you to visit this website:
http://www.climatecrisis.net/
Just check it out. It has many actions we can take and many things we can do right now to help stop CO2 emissions. It is amazing how much of an impact each one of us can have on the environment by just doing some simple things. Al Gore, Donz salutes you.
From my mind to yours, Donz.
Believe me, I am no hippie tree hugger by any means. I don't have a "nature protector" name like Wind Whisperer, Grasshopper, or Moonleaf. No, no hemp or save the whales posters; never donated to Sally Struthers or tied myself to a redwood. Here's my logic: I love women. I like to have sex with women. Women think polar bears are cute. Because of Global Warming, the Polar Bear population should be extinct in the next 10 years if we don't get our act together. Dead polar bears = dead female libido. No sex for Donz. Also, no planet, no sex for anyone. No planet, no laughter. However, Global Warming would stop all wars and terrorism.
All kidding aside, I feel it is my duty as a human, even if I do have some toys in the attic, to spread the message of this movie. I would also encourage you to visit this website:
http://www.climatecrisis.net/
Just check it out. It has many actions we can take and many things we can do right now to help stop CO2 emissions. It is amazing how much of an impact each one of us can have on the environment by just doing some simple things. Al Gore, Donz salutes you.
From my mind to yours, Donz.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
There's something I've been playing around with in my head for a couple of years now and I finally have seen enough evidence to come to this conclusion: Girls that wear fish net stockings on any occasion are on the prowl for cock.
That's all for today...here's a nice quote from my uncle George Carlin:
Isn't it interesting that only sex and excretion can be found legally obscene in this country? Not violence, not neglect, not abuse of humans. Only shitting and fucking; two of nature's most necessary functions and irresistible forces. We're always trying to control and thwart nature, even in our own language. Fuck that shit!
From my mind to yours, Donz
That's all for today...here's a nice quote from my uncle George Carlin:
Isn't it interesting that only sex and excretion can be found legally obscene in this country? Not violence, not neglect, not abuse of humans. Only shitting and fucking; two of nature's most necessary functions and irresistible forces. We're always trying to control and thwart nature, even in our own language. Fuck that shit!
From my mind to yours, Donz
Monday, January 8, 2007
Donzi's Basement Introduction
Hey, I'm Donz. I live somewhere in NYC, in the basement of an abandoned Roy Rogers that they have now converted into an Asian Massage parlor. Contrary to popular belief, I am not an investment banker. I own a fish named Karl, 2 pairs of slacks, and a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. My apartment looks similar to Rocky Balboa's from the first Rocky, except he had running water. My TV is a Zenith and gets 4 channels. I steal electricity from Ray's Pizza (the original) next door, and I haven't figured out where my heat comes from. I'm just going to empty my brain with valuable or useless information and it's going to be up to you to decipher. I carry a small red pad in my front pocket and write down my daily thoughts, pictures of naked people bowling, and plans on how to open up my own roller rink. I enjoy feedback and don't mind criticism. I've been beaten with a shoe, wooden spoon, guitar strap, and 2x4 all at the same time, so criticism will be cake. I hope you enjoy what's in my head. Hey, I'm Donz.
Friday, January 5, 2007
The Safety Calendar
My friend works for a good company... where they actually pay you. There was a contest to submit pictures for a safety calendar they were putting together. The catch? Well it was for co-worker's children to submit. So all these people's proud and talented sons and daughters were going to draw cute little pictures and hope theirs was one of the 12 selected. So my friend got a genius idea to submit his own pictures anonymously...with a little help from some of his buddies. I thought I'd share some of them, including mine. I have to warn you, we are not normal.
The rest:
Watch Out For Sharp Corners!
Don't Piss Carrots Off!
HOLD THE RAILING!
Mine: Look Both Ways!
The rest:
TIMBER!
Watch Out For Sharp Corners!
Don't Piss Carrots Off!HOLD THE RAILING!
DON'T SHIT WHERE YOU SLEEP! (PG version)
WATCH OUT FOR THOSE CHEETAHS!
From my mind to yours, Donz
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Role Models
Is it me or are all the positive roll models for little girls now-a-days some influential black women? You've got Oprah, who pisses excellence and shits out one-hundred dollar bills, Dr. Maya Angelou, a modern day Renaissance women, who could probably move Bin Laden to tears with her mastery of contemporary literature, and Dr. Condoleezza Rice, our Secretary of State. However most of these women don't grace the front cover of US magazine, unless Oprah looks like a blimp again. Who do young women really look up to? Whoever is on the news, living like a princess, and popping out kids like an abortion clinic.
Brittany Spears. God forbid the Almighty graces me with a girl someday. To know she has the potential to turn out like this thing. To know that little ones still look up to her as well. Jesus. She has worse manners than a baboon, marries a degenerate back-up dancer and pops out two innocent infants, let's one drive her car, flails her nasty cooch all over, and talks like a southern call girl. Her liver probably looks like her cooter and I am pretty sure Snoopy sings better than her. It's just sad that this sloppy mess was ever a role model. Take care of your kids and stop sitting on cock. Take a year or five off.
And who did the Queen of Slop become BFF with (for a weekend in Vegas)...
Paris Hilton. She has the IQ of my left testicle. His name is Walnut. She was made famous for what? Politics? Christ no. Invented something? Besides a culture of young, whore bitches, no. Made a contribution to society? Pulitzer or Nobel Prize winner? I need to stop, because I just tossed cookies all over my keyboard. She's famous because her family worked harder than she'll ever comprehend; because she is rich. It's cool to hump people and have it circulate on the Internet. It's cool to act like an uneducated priss, who raided the wardrobe of RENT, and made up the ever lasting, sophisticated quote: "That's hot." Not to mention we've seen her mosquito bites and ass numerous times. Well done mom and dad. I like Marriots anyway.
What about her ex-we made up for 2 days-but had a fallnig out again-now recently talking to each other BFF and camera mate Nicole Richie. Showing Americas youth that it's OK to weigh 79lbs and have your bohemian bathing suite and bug-eyed sunglasses falling off your yellow tinted body. Add DUI's, weed, and cocaine into the mix and you've got a quality role model. Let's keep talking about all these "famous" young women. I'm pretty sure if Studio 54 was still around, this girl would be dead.
Lindsey Lohan. Quality. How old is this chick? She's already in AA? Let's see how long that lasts. At least she is a decent actress, right? Her co-stars and studio management like her, right? However she is really proud that she dresses herself everyday. Wow, no stylist! I still need my stylist to dress me in my pajamas; I don't know how she does it.
Little Kim just got out of jail! Yayyyy!
Listen, I think there are plenty of role models out there for our young guys and gals. It's just that we're really creating a generation that obsesses about being filthy rich, with absolutely no plan, or any dedication and hard work to get to that want. Heck, I'm probably one of them. I don't necessarily think that you need to have money to be a role model or be in a position of power to be a role model. I just think you need to work with what you have to create something positive in this ass backwards world that we live in. We have to stop focusing on these young disasters and start focusing on... umm...your mom... if she's a role model that is. But do we really need role models in today's world?
"If this country is dependent on things like role models, we're much worse off than I thought. Shit! If you're kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."
-George Carlin
So why write on this particular issue? Because I am a little girl trapped in a 6-4, 224 pound, dent resistant, hairy body. From my mind to yours, Donz.
Brittany Spears. God forbid the Almighty graces me with a girl someday. To know she has the potential to turn out like this thing. To know that little ones still look up to her as well. Jesus. She has worse manners than a baboon, marries a degenerate back-up dancer and pops out two innocent infants, let's one drive her car, flails her nasty cooch all over, and talks like a southern call girl. Her liver probably looks like her cooter and I am pretty sure Snoopy sings better than her. It's just sad that this sloppy mess was ever a role model. Take care of your kids and stop sitting on cock. Take a year or five off.
And who did the Queen of Slop become BFF with (for a weekend in Vegas)...
Paris Hilton. She has the IQ of my left testicle. His name is Walnut. She was made famous for what? Politics? Christ no. Invented something? Besides a culture of young, whore bitches, no. Made a contribution to society? Pulitzer or Nobel Prize winner? I need to stop, because I just tossed cookies all over my keyboard. She's famous because her family worked harder than she'll ever comprehend; because she is rich. It's cool to hump people and have it circulate on the Internet. It's cool to act like an uneducated priss, who raided the wardrobe of RENT, and made up the ever lasting, sophisticated quote: "That's hot." Not to mention we've seen her mosquito bites and ass numerous times. Well done mom and dad. I like Marriots anyway.
What about her ex-we made up for 2 days-but had a fallnig out again-now recently talking to each other BFF and camera mate Nicole Richie. Showing Americas youth that it's OK to weigh 79lbs and have your bohemian bathing suite and bug-eyed sunglasses falling off your yellow tinted body. Add DUI's, weed, and cocaine into the mix and you've got a quality role model. Let's keep talking about all these "famous" young women. I'm pretty sure if Studio 54 was still around, this girl would be dead.
Lindsey Lohan. Quality. How old is this chick? She's already in AA? Let's see how long that lasts. At least she is a decent actress, right? Her co-stars and studio management like her, right? However she is really proud that she dresses herself everyday. Wow, no stylist! I still need my stylist to dress me in my pajamas; I don't know how she does it.
Little Kim just got out of jail! Yayyyy!
Listen, I think there are plenty of role models out there for our young guys and gals. It's just that we're really creating a generation that obsesses about being filthy rich, with absolutely no plan, or any dedication and hard work to get to that want. Heck, I'm probably one of them. I don't necessarily think that you need to have money to be a role model or be in a position of power to be a role model. I just think you need to work with what you have to create something positive in this ass backwards world that we live in. We have to stop focusing on these young disasters and start focusing on... umm...your mom... if she's a role model that is. But do we really need role models in today's world?
"If this country is dependent on things like role models, we're much worse off than I thought. Shit! If you're kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."
-George Carlin
So why write on this particular issue? Because I am a little girl trapped in a 6-4, 224 pound, dent resistant, hairy body. From my mind to yours, Donz.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
People Watching
Borderline Creepy. Yes I know, people watching could be considered a bit out there on the "ate paint chips as a toddler" side, but I assure you that it's a great way to tap into your creative juices. Listen, as long as you are not continuously watching the same person day in and day out (I think that's called stalking; ask your ex's lawyer) you are free to watch who you want. Are you feeling dull and claustrophobic? Feel like you're stuck in a rut? Ever wonder what happened to the TV show "The Nine" & why the Sopranos has sucked for the past 3 seasons? Well I feel you on the last two. But if you are just looking to get away from things by yourself here's a random suggestion. Throw on some comfortable clothes, take out your Ipod, and head down to the park, lake, beach, etc. Wherever there seems to be people and is a relaxed setting.
Find a bench, a spot under a tree, or a blanket in the sand and throw on the random song select of your music device. Press play and watch. Watch the sexy young woman walking her dog, or the fat guy with mustard on his guinea T slapping his chubby son on the back of the head. Watch the happily married old couple shuffle at 0.03 mph, holding hands and hoping to make it back before dark, or the middle aged couple being dragged by there 5 year old twins on a leash. Watch the hippies play with their hemp frisbee and the little Asian boy fly his kite. Watch the black kids practice there Step routines and the little white kids scream and throw tantrums at their parents. Listen to your favorite songs and you'll automatically make up stories about everyone you see. I swear if watching life to good tunes doesn't cheer you up, or at least make you feel a little bit better about yourself, seek help, you might be the next Unibomber.
There are levels to people watching as well. Soon you will create a specific playlist on your Ipod and customize your favorite people watching songs, such as "No Rain" from Blind Mellon. You will explore outside the realm of public recreational settings and move into Walmarts and Targets. This would be the intermediate level.
Truly advanced people watchers have been known to set up shop on the floor of the stock exchange, the post office, and waiting rooms outside the ER, listening to the likes of In Flames, Metallica, and the soundtrack to Platoon. I do not recommend this to beginners. This takes chameleon like skill and true depression.
Useless places to watch people: The library, Shop Rite, and Outback Steakhouse. There are also places that I would steer clear from people watching such as: public bathrooms, Chuck-E-Cheese's, court rooms, prisons, West Virginia, & funerals. Also make sure you are not focusing on your ex-wife, her new husband, and the kids that picked on you in high school. That's just creepy, and once again, you could wind up killing a lot of people one day, so check yourself into some place. Preferably in Arizona or Cuba.
But if you want to laugh at life, get away from things, spark your creativity, I suggest you try people watching. For a really good and unpredictable time, throw some funny mushrooms into the mix. Listen & create your own stories, just don't take pictures of us and touch yourself to them later.
From my mind to yours, Donz.
Find a bench, a spot under a tree, or a blanket in the sand and throw on the random song select of your music device. Press play and watch. Watch the sexy young woman walking her dog, or the fat guy with mustard on his guinea T slapping his chubby son on the back of the head. Watch the happily married old couple shuffle at 0.03 mph, holding hands and hoping to make it back before dark, or the middle aged couple being dragged by there 5 year old twins on a leash. Watch the hippies play with their hemp frisbee and the little Asian boy fly his kite. Watch the black kids practice there Step routines and the little white kids scream and throw tantrums at their parents. Listen to your favorite songs and you'll automatically make up stories about everyone you see. I swear if watching life to good tunes doesn't cheer you up, or at least make you feel a little bit better about yourself, seek help, you might be the next Unibomber.
There are levels to people watching as well. Soon you will create a specific playlist on your Ipod and customize your favorite people watching songs, such as "No Rain" from Blind Mellon. You will explore outside the realm of public recreational settings and move into Walmarts and Targets. This would be the intermediate level.
Truly advanced people watchers have been known to set up shop on the floor of the stock exchange, the post office, and waiting rooms outside the ER, listening to the likes of In Flames, Metallica, and the soundtrack to Platoon. I do not recommend this to beginners. This takes chameleon like skill and true depression.
Useless places to watch people: The library, Shop Rite, and Outback Steakhouse. There are also places that I would steer clear from people watching such as: public bathrooms, Chuck-E-Cheese's, court rooms, prisons, West Virginia, & funerals. Also make sure you are not focusing on your ex-wife, her new husband, and the kids that picked on you in high school. That's just creepy, and once again, you could wind up killing a lot of people one day, so check yourself into some place. Preferably in Arizona or Cuba.
But if you want to laugh at life, get away from things, spark your creativity, I suggest you try people watching. For a really good and unpredictable time, throw some funny mushrooms into the mix. Listen & create your own stories, just don't take pictures of us and touch yourself to them later.
From my mind to yours, Donz.
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