Matt Foley

I found myself sitting in the middle of 30,000 people listening to someone try to motivate me to be a better salesman, an entrepreneur, a go getter, how to shoot for the top, & be #1. I looked around and watched everyone nodding & smiling, high-fiving eachother in their heads, "getting it," ready to attack life's problems. I looked around and felt God smack me in the face. Teenage Jesus told me to wake up.

Have you ever been in the presence of a motivational speaker. Well, a lot of what they have to say has good meaning, and you know sometimes we need a little pep talk in our lives. I always thought that if you needed motivation to do your job, then you're in the wrong career. Sure there are days we just don't feel like working. I haven't worked for 15 years; shit, I'm still kickin. That's what pick-me-ups are for. But in the last 6 months, in one way or another, I have found myself being in the audience of a motivational speaker at least 4 times. I have even been in the presence of the great Zig Ziglar, the most famous motivational speaker of them all. A brilliant orator, with a lot of good inspiring messages to share with us. He looks like and has the energy of the Juiceman and talks like Ted Turner and President Bush on speed. He sounds like the offspring of an oil tycoon and an evangelist. I am sure it is much better to just read what Zig has to say, unless you love to escape into his Southern Gangbang of Words, which is just treated like a New Years resolution anyway. I had a "Garden State" moment where I was in slow motion watching all these people around me, except I wasn't tripping on ether or ecstasy. I wondered what the blow I was doing there, in the presence of all these lost souls and a cult leader. Tens of thousands cramped in an arena, flipping through their help notebooks, listening to this guy from Texas tell them how to "be the best." It was sad. I was sad.

Fuck motivational speakers. Fuck people making money by selling me "A Road Map to Financial Success," "10 Steps to Be a Better Man," "20,501 Ways to Live Stress Free and Be Mentally Healthy, Because You're a Fat Slob with No Goals and Need to Get Up Off Your Ass, Put Down the Chicken Wings, and Get a Job...a Real Job." I also was addicted to some self help books for a while. Fuck those too. Now, I only limit myself to reading autobiographies of successful people, anything the Dali Lama writes, anything by George Carlin, the Book of Revelations, and any Kama Sutra/sex tip book. Believe me, I need it. I haven't been with a women since 1987, her name was Georgina, and she had a deep voice.

You need a real pep talk? Here it is, a free Pick-Me-Up from Donzi:

1.) You're life isn't as bad as someone else is, like me. There's definitely a kid in Africa, whose parents both died an ugly death from AIDS, and is starving right now, with flies and shit on his face. You could sound like Gilbert Godfrey. You could be Gilbert Godfrey. Imagine O.J.'s kids? What about Lindsey Lohan's vagina? Wait, umm? You could be married to a paperboy. Shit people, look around, there's definitely someone worse off.

2.) Kill something. Anything. An ant, a bird, your aunt, whatever. If you feel even a little sorry that you just killed a living thing, you're going to be OK. You have some compassion in you. That's normal and you will eventually be rewarded. Plus, they're dead and you aren't. You're the lucky one. So get the fuck out there and kill something.

3.) Unless you are doing something that you love, stop. Are you afraid? You're a bitch. Suck it up, pull out your wedgie, fuck everyone else, and go get what you want. It doesn't pay well, so what. Steal if you must. You're dying slowly, second by second, so try and live while you can, pussy.

4.) This is crucial. In my eyes, you must do these steps to truly be a happy person.
-First, sing in the shower as loud as you can. This is the best you'll ever sound.
-Sing as loud as you can, when you are stuck in traffic. Don't worry if people look at you weird, they're weird for not singing.
-High-five strangers on the street
-People Watch
-Cross-Dress at least once and sing a Supremes (male) or Temptations (female) song in front of the mirror
-Fart in an elevator. Admit it.
-Shit your pants at a supermarket.
-Wear a Halloween costume on Easter, Passover, or Ramadan.
-Talk to yourself in public. Even better, slap yourself once.
-Lots of sex, with a lot of different people, in a lot of different positions.
-And last but not least, dial a random number & try to have a 5 minute conversation with a stranger. Challenge yourself and stick to only starting each sentence with "You."

So in conclusion, my life sucks worse than yours, but I don't need some coked up wacko showing me the yellow-brick road to happiness. So, get out there, get wacky, and get what you want. Want internal bliss? Well it's going to happen either tomorrow or never. Cheer up Charlie, and deal with it. I'm going to go take a nap, and maybe wake up tomorrow.

From my mind to yours, Donz.